either you know it or you don’t

This song is on loop right now because it says exactly how confused I felt when I was unsure of my feelings. This doesn’t have to be exclusively for my love interest, although it does help to clear the air that I had within me, but it also goes to how the decisions I have made in life thus far have changed me so much, which I may be questioning right now but I know that in the long run, this is what i need. what i want. what is good for me. what i desire. my desires and my needs are conflicted because my nature is very conflicted with my thoughts. like the lyric goes:

i dont know what you mean to me, i dont know what your suppose to mean to me, i dont know what you were suppose to be for me, i didnt know that every moment was yours. i dont know how my heart knew, it just had to know, that it was love, i dunno what you were suppose to be. you were very moment, my every thought. i dont know why my heart has stopped or why there are tears in my eyes. i dont know why deep in my heart there was something

this is probably out of the blue for you, but this year got off to a rough start. i think its because deep down, i felt that i had to let something go. something that i had held onto for more than half a year. it was a crush. now, universe, people really shouldn’t hold onto crushes! its bad unless they are going to act them out and bring their feelings forward. my nature is a very shy one, so you can assume that my crush was kept under warps. sure my closest confidantes were telling me to spill the beans, to go confess. but i couldn’t. i just couldn’t. i guess it was fear holding me back. fear. vulnerability. the thought of opening my self to the point where it could possibly hurt me. that thought. was. dead. scary. this plunge was more that i bargained for. this fear. the thought of rejection. the feeling of letting my self be open to such feelings and the possibility of being not taken seriously. was. dead. scary. it was a road i wasn’t ready to take. i liked the idea. i dunno if i was ready to turn the idea into reality. this was all in my head. all. in. my. head. just. all. in. my. head. im a slow person so maybe i didn’t see the signs. or maybe i did. but i refused to acknowledge them. maybe i was naive. or my innocence. precious innocence. where my world was made up of disney and bollywood movies and reality seems to be really daunting. this year started with a realization.

this was sparked by a korean movie i watched ‘daddy long legs‘ [spoiler alert] the main theme of the movie is this man crushing over this girl and so scared to confess that he goes through university to the workplace unable to say anythg, to the point where he begins to lose his memory and so he writes himself emails about his journey and the girl gets them. the overall idea was to not let things like this wait. because it hurts more when you realize that you had the chance to seize the moment and make beautiful memories together, which they could not, because the guy couldn’t live to enjoy those moments. it struck a cord within me.

would i be that dude in a couple of years. would i still be stuck on a crush. would i? would i be filled with regret? would i be sad that an opportunity presented itself and i was unable to take it?

see, this thought was very conflicted with my ideology of life: if it was meant to be, it will come and land in my hands in the end. i don’t know how well that thinking would work with todays modern world but i can’t help but be drawn to that age-old thought. its all karma after all. with that thought, i made the decision to let go. yes. it hurt. yes. it made me a bit sad. i hadn’t realized how close i had brought this crush. but. now. i think im going to be ok. hopefully. i have to be. in todays world, i cant let myself be stuck on something as pointless like that. now how does this relate to my life? well, i guess deep down i know im gonna be ok. after school’s done, im gonna be ok. i may not know it right now. but i will be. perhaps another song would suit that movement, but i feel the need to share this one instead. ill post the others later.

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2 thoughts on “either you know it or you don’t

  1. thats a long post.. but definitely worth every sentence. I have been in your shoes, but i can say honestly, that once u actually take that step and make the decision – its not so daunting. It’s always the first step thats difficult (not to say the rest of the journey will be easy…) but being courageous enough to let yourself take that path is a feat unto itself.

    good luck chick…

    Like

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