Turns out a friend of mine has an internship lined up for when she goes back for the summer. I really am happy for her, but I can’t help but wonder, where am I going. An under-grad later and onto my second degree and I have yet add some impression work experience onto my resume. I guess I somehow thought I would find my way of getting that experience. Instead, I have volunteer experience with public event management, children, and dance. All great of I wanted to become a teacher or something. But I’m not. My friend was saying how most of her classmates go on and on about how they all have connections for work for the summer and after graduation, and how she felt she would be at a disadvantage and didn’t like it. Then added how I wasn’t included in the group of people with these connections to jobs. Although I can easily work over the summer and after graduation with the family, because that is what we do, I can’t help but think that no, I can’t use that as my fall back. I need to make my own way and grow into the profession as well. Its great that I have this opportunity, but I would rather prefer it if I had to work my way up in something. I want to prove it that I can make it on my merits as well. This would be great if it wasn’t so hard to find a job or internships. I check on the uni site every week, and browse online. I sent it my stuff but it seems that no one wants me to work for them. I guess its my lack of skills, and work experience. -_- This is really depressing, but then again, I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I’m not really one of those kids that work over the summer. Too busy taking summer school courses. Can’t work over the holidays, got family shin-digs to attend. Why bother start work now, when I have the rest of my life to work?

I guess this is a bad mentality. If I was really career motivated I would get started on that and really work my way through. Another acquaintance of mine was mentioning how she’s starting to attend the general ball’s and gala’s that are held so she can network and meet people that can possibly give her a job in the future. I usually don’t go because I already know most of these people through my family. But I wonder, would be I more aggressive if I didn’t have such ready access to this world? I would have probably become a teacher or pushed to study for my masters…. At the end of the day, I need to remind myself of why I’m doing this. Why I feel that what I am studying is what I want to study and What I feel I want to do for the rest of my life. After all, at the end of the day, it was my choice to accept this challenge and enter this path. No one pushed me or attempted to bar me from taking another path. It’s funny how all these insecurities have found their way after my first exam. I’m scared. i really am not sure if I did to the best that I can. I know that I can. But I guess that is the difference of studying in liberal arts, as a opposed to studying in a subject that leads to one specific path.

After almost completing my first year here, with 4 more exams to go, I can’t help but feel like a child. A child lost in thought, in motion, in direction of what to make of myself. At the beginning of the year, I knew where I was going. So determined and motivated to do what I wanted to do. Now, I feel lost, disconnected, not here. Maybe its the matrix? Maybe its a sign? I really was never good at those games in careers and whatever class that helped you figure out what your good at and what your not. My goals never went beyond getting into uni. Maybe this disconnect should have come in my under grad. When I was young and my spirit could be really fired up and take flight and into the direction that I wanted. Maybe I made haste in my decision. I don’t want to say that because I’m glad for all the experiences I am gaining here. I really don’t like it when I become this disconnected and start to question myself. Doubting myself, I feel is really unfair to yourself, because at one point in time, you knew you could do this. I wonder if this makes me bipolar?


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