Black hole

My first accreditation exam is on tuesday, which has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I started quite optimistic, coming back from a family vacation and making amazing momentum. I was originally set to write 2 exams, but as the dates drew near, I decided it would be best to write one considering this much stress I could not take. What happened was I foolishly decided to write two of the hardest law exams on my first round, and on the same day. Yeah, my brain completely didn’t register that. I figured that, ‘hey, I can do this, this really shouldn’t be too bad.’ Boy was I wrong. After finishing one book, I was so positive, like, I was ready to take on the next textbook. I start reading and by 1.5pages, I’m ready to have a meltdown. I don’t understand a word this book is saying. The amount of jardon and circular arguments is driving my brain away and I can feel myself shutting down. This lasted for a good week…..This shoot my confidence so much that I felt it might be best to sit it at a later date. This was a difficult decision. I have never deferred or cancelled my exams….ever. Throughout my undergrad, I wrote those exams on the listed date. Even for that one horrible class when I had a meltdown the night before. I figured when I could survive it in my undergrad, and in law school in England, why should I let this get at me. But, one must choose their battles wisely. I dropped that exam and focusing on just one.

Although I was feeling positive about this exam, the material I understand. It is open book so it’s not even that I have to cram all the information, I just have to understand how it works. No joke, that second exam prep, I feel has shoot my confidence out the window. I am depressed. I can’t sleep because I overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Even though I keep telling myself that ‘it’s okay! i can always take the exam again, it’s not a big deal!’ I can’t stop myself from stressing out. From all this, my chest pain attempts to come back and when I get that under control, my eye starts twitching; if its not that then my shoulder pain decides to pop by to say hello.  The exam is on tuesday, and I have this bad feeling I will probably not pass. But I am trying to will myself that I can do this. I should try and stay positive and not let my negativity control myself.

I am one of those people that on the usual I am a frolicking-happy-cheery-dancing-unicorn-of-joy-rainbow-sunshine-person, my negativity is just as extreme and beyond. In an attempt to cheer me up, my poor chaps end up feeling negative themselves. I am a black hole and am pretty sure that my textbook is out to get me. To stop that, I have removed said textbook from my room. Childish as it may be, my depression is not. I am honestly attempting anything and everything to get back in a clear headspace so that I can focus. That is all I need to do. If I can focus in a clear headspace, then I’m good to go.

So in my attempt to de-stress, I was reading a blog about someone is travelling and backpacking the world as she explores and volunteers and whatnot. I find that super cool! When someone is empowered and energized enough to follow their wanderlust, I am truly inspired. Maybe I am being nit-picky, or just on the edge, but as I was telling my friend what I was up to, she was like ‘Shouldn’t you be studying? Travelling is what you do for a vacation, focus on the real stuff and be an adult.’ That just got to me. Can travelling not be a passion? Why must it be someone you do to reward/treat yourself after all that hustle? I find that to be such a limiting way of thinking. When I try to answer those questions of what would you do in your dream world, I am wandering. I am wandering. In my weird dream mind, I am living around the world, in the coolest places for a year. That to me, would be so amazing and fulfilling. My wanderlust really started on that day when I got on that train by myself to Edinburgh. It was such a liberating experience. An experience that makes you feel alive. Travelling Europe just fuelled it even more. As I read and follow up on people in my friend circle that somehow incorporate travel into their careers, I am amazed and just inspired. Like there is someone teaching high school in Cambodia!? Like how cool is that!? She teaches for a year and moves to another place. To volunteer/work like that and travel and give back, its such an amazing way to live!  But it just made me wonder, is that such a lifestyle only for the select few? I just find this kind of attitude so unnecessary and negative that I am just temped to not deal with this person anymore. Am I over-reacting?

Yes, I feel really happy to know that my parents/family members feel proud when they mention to people that ‘yes, my daughter is a law graduate.’ But when I think about it, I, the person, am someone who likes to live without ties holding me down. I feel suffocated when I’m being held down from flying to where I want to go. Although I understand that this career can take me wherever I want, it can support this adventurous life that I see for myself. Right now, my self-esstem is just so busted that I think that England was a dream and that law school is a nightmare. I don’t know how I graduated from one in England! Its frustrating to know that at one point, i understood this. That I felt my brain making room to store all this information and now it’s shut down and won’t start up. I guess this is just my path. I had this lost feeling when I was in my first year in England and somehow managed to finish that.

Goal now is to just suck it up, finish these exams. Get that license up on the wall. Then start painting, and travelling. Somehow I wonder if I will get into painting again, but I’d like to think that no, I have to. I have to feel alive and support the weird adventurous life that exists in my head that I want because I can’t handle being in one place. I want to fly and keep flying. Is it weird to feel peaceful when I travel? I feel like even though I’m going somewhere, I feel like I’m going to find and meet myself? Till then, I guess I have to find myself out of this flog thats around me and find my way.

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