What hurts

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” – Ernest Hemingway

I was strolling through tumblr when I came across this quote. I had to stop and let these words sink in. Writing clearly about what hurts me. Hurts. Something that the Oxford dictionary defines as something that causes you distress. As a young 24 woman, living in Canada, emerged in two cultures, who is fairly educated; what could distress that? Is this not what society pushes us to be? Successful in terms of whats’ on paper? As I sit and ponder what consumes my selfish existence, few things come to mind.

The though that I might have to make another defining decision in my life which can change the direction I choose to go in. Life-defining decisions, ah the moments when you know it, you can feel that you are changing and paving the path of your future. As simple as it maybe, but the moment that last stands out as that is when I decided to skip the rush to take biology in my eleventh year, as all my friends were, and rather, take the technology class. As my friends buried their minds and knives in all that biology has to offer, I was sitting in my class learning how to make websites and building cardboard boxes for my mid-term. I feel that the next decision that I might take that could change that is whether I decide to pursue more academia or just get my licence and start the hustle. On one hand, my desire to learn more, to explore the world of jurisprudence and the limits that it can go, wants to further with more education. On the other, the though that, if I spend so much time studying, when will I settle down in life? What if I don’t find a life partner? How long would the dream-inspired condo independent living really work when you also want to make time to pursue family life? So many wants, only so many youthful years to achieve them all.

Maybe I’m still a generation behind in realizing that maybe my 20’s really are an extension of my teens – the learning phase. The phase where you build yourself, you find yourself, where you mild yourself. However appealing that idea may be, it doesn’t help when you log into Facebook and find that your peers are already settled into their careers, getting married and even having children. These decisions can’t be made lightly and I’m one of those people that make decisions with the cold harsh light of reality. No emotional romanticism for me when deciding what highway to get on. I wonder if those with the emotional decisions are the most satisfied though? Are they just the lucky bunches of oats who don’t have the hyper-over-anlysizing brain? The brain that says jump at all open adventures, rather than, observe, monitor and take the best course of action. This story is still developing lol Let’s see how it goes.

Another distress would be my level of interaction in finding someone. I guess movies have disillusioned me into thinking that finding that one comes easy. When you know, you just know. But I would take that to be someone who makes emotional decisions. Someone who is ready to take that risk despite knowing that you could get hurt. What can I say, I’m not a gambler. The thought of taking a risk that cannot be calculated, frightening to say the least. However, when I attempt to make the effort, it seems that the moment the guy decides to get his flirt on, I’m out the window, flying away! No joke, this is the third time. For some reason, I get tense, I get a tad bit stresses, wondering ‘why’ ‘why would you say that?’ ‘are you sure your okay’ straight to ‘what’s wrong with him!’ ‘I can’t like him, this is what’s wrong with him’ ‘not for me, moving on’. Can you tell I didn’t date in high school, or ever!? Although, I think I was on a date once….if the guy pays for dinner, does it count? My emotional capacity to take the risk and see if I’ll end up liking someone is maybe something I should work on. Damn that cancerian in me! Just can’t seem to get that shell open to find that one and only! *lesigh

I guess these are menial distresses for a person living in the ‘first’ world, but I get the feeling that this is something all 20’s people just sit there and wonder, maybe?

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6 thoughts on “What hurts

  1. I can really relate to this feeling. Been in that position where you feel that the decision you are going to take next will define the track your life will take. it’s not easy to take those decisions. You need to think long and hard and even then doubts creep out from every nook and corner.

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      1. Lol. Right.
        I wish life was as simple as a Disney movie. you get what you want and you have no shortage of friends and love on the way.

        Like

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