~This is a ramble of sorts post~
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. I feel like I have been struggling to form some coherent thoughts, since I feel, felt, so confused. Coming to the moment of realization, I am still having trouble with how to formulate these pieces of information.
Disappointment. Frustration. Release. That emotion flashes before my eyes as I sit here and review what has been going on. It’s like the scene in the movie Queen, (if you haven’t seen Queen, watch it!) where she realizes what has been going on and wondering why she went along the way she did. Sure I went along for the sake of finding out what could be.
Granted I was the hesitant one, but, when I made the effort, it seemed to have been for a lost cause. I don’t understand this pursuit. This is not a common occurrence in my life. I get that this is your first, but your way of expression is more distant than what it could ever be. It’s more confusing that anything. I let you take the lead to go along with how you think it should, but it seems that your insecurity and surety is more at odds than it should.
It’s like I let you become the centre, when you have had no place to be the centre. Sure, I should have acted more present. But you should know I’m not that type of girl. I may have been confusing, and wishy washy. But I don’t think you were better. I thought I was dealing with someone mature, but it seems that you are more of a child than I am. Sure there have been mistakes, from your side and mine. Yet, are you not supposed to make the effort for the ones you like?
If anything; I have learned. I will not wallow, there is no sadness. There are only lessons. Lessons on how to be better. How to react stronger. How to take charge of how to do what you need to do. Maybe this is preparing me for the next chapter. This was a little snippet of what to do better next time.
I will wake up tomorrow with a release. With a sense of adventure. With a sense of spontaneity. No regrets, because I did make the effort.