Wanted: Clarity

This storm that is brewing within needs to calm down. This much anger and confusion should not be present. That is not the logical way to go about things. That is not how decisions are made.

Your confusion confuses me. Your lack of response hinders me. Your nonchalant way of saying that’s a bombshell that was just dropped pushes me back to my boundaries. Your careless way of asking how’s it going pricks me on the side like a thorn.

I am not an object that you see and appease yourself with. I am not a toy that you play with when your heart so desires. I am not an activity that when instructed, that you act upon and throw the dice.

I am a person. A person that responds quite easily to the slightest of attention. I don’t live for the drama. But it looks like you bring the drama out in me.

I don’t want to be demanding, but a little respect never hurt. Granted I pushed you to take some charge, but if this is what your leadership looks like, then captain, the ship is sinking.

How do I tell you all of this? How do I formulate the thoughts to not be as cruel as they sound? How do I word this so that your understand that I’m not completely blaming you? How do I tell someone that when my phone buzzes with your message, the emotion of annoyance is more prevalent than excitement.

My friends advise me to go with the flow. To stop expecting so much. But what is that flow? The flow of what?

As I attempt to find clarity within me; I sense the source of my turmoil is anger.

Angry at letting myself take a step out in the cold, whilst you stayed sheltered.

Angry at myself for taking a risk and not getting anything out of it.

Angry at you for being so careless with the situation.

You act like what I said was nothing.

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