Lessons of Winter Past

Hello, I am an over-thinker and a creature of habit. I believe this is my flaw and would like to get over this like now. kthxbai

With spring around the corner, I felt in order to become the person I envision for myself there were some key noted lessons that this past winter left for me to discover. Whether it was from the mercury retrograde or stress or the timing of it all; it doesn’t matter, the point is this flaw has got to go.

As many of you may have noted that I tend to over analyze every mundane action as if it holds the secrets of the universe. A simple hello cannot be a simple hello. A decision cannot just be a choice made in passing. Every action must have a reaction; therefore I must be diligent in exhausting all possible alternatives before making a choice. The idea of this process is quaint, after all it means that I stand by the decision I have made and there is no issue in it.

However, my second flaw is what catches me: creature of habit. I like my space. I like doing what I normally do. I like to stay in my cave with all my things and to venture out of my cave means that I’m doing it for survivals sake.

I am coming to terms that although one part of me may find that a decision is the best for me, my habit catches me and throws me back.

As I reflect I remember a number of times where this has already happened. For example, when I was booking my last flight back to Canada. I had already thought of just staying there until graduation; so I could spend the month hanging out with my British cousins, my British Friends, travelling the English countryside, seeing Wales and the Isle of Skye (which is still on my bucket list). Yet, I choose to book a flight home literally a few days after my BFF’s last exam (she threatened she wouldn’t let me broad the plane lest I stay). Instead, I came back early because I must be with my family. I must be at home. Why am I in the twilight zone of leisure? All thoughts of exploring England in it’s glorious June summer dissipated, and in doing so, my England bucket list was gone.

Now, rather than learning from that instance, I seem to be continuing this habit. Rather than getting out there and fulfilling my brain list, my habits catch me.

Recently, when I met someone this combination hit again. Brain says: all is good to go, this dude doesn’t get weirded out by your awkwardness, likes the silly things you do, is catching onto your emoji game and comparing himself to an old man to your old lady. Habit says: now you will have to move the centre of your life around, what about the world and expat life, he doesn’t seem thattt amazing, he isn’t sweeping you off your feet since he takes like a week to text you, gets easily defensive so don’t bother with the headache, come let’s creep on Instagram and watch Buzzed videos.

Is this a good thing? I don’t know, but it does leave me reminiscing of those moments and thinking more of ‘I should have done this’. This thought to me is a problem since this taints my experience as not being good enough. That is not what or how I feel about it at all. My over thinking habit + normal habits are capping me at a level which I want to grow beyond.

As the winter (hopefully) melts away, I’d like to work on moving away from these habits. I like to move away from this version of me that’s tapping into her strengths but rather hiding behind the insecurities.

Any tips on how this can happen?

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One thought on “Lessons of Winter Past

  1. Let him come to you. I always find that if someone is interested, they will do their best to make you their priority and surprise you with things you did not believe were possible and did not expect. Sometimes being swept off your feet isn’t always going to occur right away. But it shouldn’t take that long for something like that to happen. If you see something in him, give him the chance. Maybe he will come around at some point. And don’t put yourself down, you are who you are and that is what makes you great! Sometimes you just need to learn that life brings changes that you need to deal with and that is how life proceeds. Change is sometimes good. Also, I love Oreo Cookies!!

    Liked by 1 person

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