Making the calm

Processing. My day goes by processing what to make of it all. Smudgy glasses with their lack of clarity, it seems that even life is humouring me now. I look at the apology you sent and instead of feeling better, I am angered. It’s great that you’re realizing something, but I don’t think even you believe what you write. You bounce back and forth and get defensive over something that doesn’t need it. Any attempts I make of assisting the conundrum appears to be putting you on the offence. At this point, all I can think is, what do you want from me. Time. Patience. Understanding. Friendship. More. I really don’t get it. This break thing that you though was a great idea is the most confusing phase I have encountered. When space was given when no space was needed to be given. I don’t get why you keep jumping the gun. Why are you terrified of something that has yet to come up. If you can’t handle the pressure then you should say so. You should declare it so. At this point taking the lead is a foreign concept to you and we are rowing in circles. I didn’t bother replying. You response was so defensive that it makes me wonder, do you even know whats going on. I get it. You are simple. You have never done this before. Everyone around you must be confusing you. I get it. But even if that is the case, can you walk with some clarity. Can you move forward with some intention. Your intentions have me blind and I don’t know which way I’m to move forward. I think my anger is gone. I am just tired. I don’t understand why you keep jumping the gun and I don’t understand what you hope from me. I don’t know how to make you understand this. I worry that if we talk, I’ll end up sounding way more harsh than I intent to be. I’m not particularly motivated since I feel nothing. I told you from day 1. It would be on you to change my mind. Am I being out there. Maybe. Probably. Most likely. My mind turns as it tries to figure out what I want myself. I didn’t go in looking or expecting someone. At this point in time, I’m not looking. It’s not a big deal. Somehow it turned into one. I guess we both are lost and we have no idea whats going on. For now, I’m staying silent. I’m observing. Because until I know what I want to do, I’m not going to say anything.

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