Is it just me or is everybody just adding tags for the sake of adding tags? Whether it be on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Tumblr?
Now even my friends have begun to talk in hashtags!
I wonder why that is.
My first accreditation exam is on tuesday, which has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I started quite optimistic, coming back from a family vacation and making amazing momentum. I was originally set to write 2 exams, but as the dates drew near, I decided it would be best to write one considering this much stress I could not take. What happened was I foolishly decided to write two of the hardest law exams on my first round, and on the same day. Yeah, my brain completely didn’t register that. I figured that, ‘hey, I can do this, this really shouldn’t be too bad.’ Boy was I wrong. After finishing one book, I was so positive, like, I was ready to take on the next textbook. I start reading and by 1.5pages, I’m ready to have a meltdown. I don’t understand a word this book is saying. The amount of jardon and circular arguments is driving my brain away and I can feel myself shutting down. This lasted for a good week…..This shoot my confidence so much that I felt it might be best to sit it at a later date. This was a difficult decision. I have never deferred or cancelled my exams….ever. Throughout my undergrad, I wrote those exams on the listed date. Even for that one horrible class when I had a meltdown the night before. I figured when I could survive it in my undergrad, and in law school in England, why should I let this get at me. But, one must choose their battles wisely. I dropped that exam and focusing on just one.
Although I was feeling positive about this exam, the material I understand. It is open book so it’s not even that I have to cram all the information, I just have to understand how it works. No joke, that second exam prep, I feel has shoot my confidence out the window. I am depressed. I can’t sleep because I overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Even though I keep telling myself that ‘it’s okay! i can always take the exam again, it’s not a big deal!’ I can’t stop myself from stressing out. From all this, my chest pain attempts to come back and when I get that under control, my eye starts twitching; if its not that then my shoulder pain decides to pop by to say hello. The exam is on tuesday, and I have this bad feeling I will probably not pass. But I am trying to will myself that I can do this. I should try and stay positive and not let my negativity control myself.
I am one of those people that on the usual I am a frolicking-happy-cheery-dancing-unicorn-of-joy-rainbow-sunshine-person, my negativity is just as extreme and beyond. In an attempt to cheer me up, my poor chaps end up feeling negative themselves. I am a black hole and am pretty sure that my textbook is out to get me. To stop that, I have removed said textbook from my room. Childish as it may be, my depression is not. I am honestly attempting anything and everything to get back in a clear headspace so that I can focus. That is all I need to do. If I can focus in a clear headspace, then I’m good to go.
So in my attempt to de-stress, I was reading a blog about someone is travelling and backpacking the world as she explores and volunteers and whatnot. I find that super cool! When someone is empowered and energized enough to follow their wanderlust, I am truly inspired. Maybe I am being nit-picky, or just on the edge, but as I was telling my friend what I was up to, she was like ‘Shouldn’t you be studying? Travelling is what you do for a vacation, focus on the real stuff and be an adult.’ That just got to me. Can travelling not be a passion? Why must it be someone you do to reward/treat yourself after all that hustle? I find that to be such a limiting way of thinking. When I try to answer those questions of what would you do in your dream world, I am wandering. I am wandering. In my weird dream mind, I am living around the world, in the coolest places for a year. That to me, would be so amazing and fulfilling. My wanderlust really started on that day when I got on that train by myself to Edinburgh. It was such a liberating experience. An experience that makes you feel alive. Travelling Europe just fuelled it even more. As I read and follow up on people in my friend circle that somehow incorporate travel into their careers, I am amazed and just inspired. Like there is someone teaching high school in Cambodia!? Like how cool is that!? She teaches for a year and moves to another place. To volunteer/work like that and travel and give back, its such an amazing way to live! But it just made me wonder, is that such a lifestyle only for the select few? I just find this kind of attitude so unnecessary and negative that I am just temped to not deal with this person anymore. Am I over-reacting?
Yes, I feel really happy to know that my parents/family members feel proud when they mention to people that ‘yes, my daughter is a law graduate.’ But when I think about it, I, the person, am someone who likes to live without ties holding me down. I feel suffocated when I’m being held down from flying to where I want to go. Although I understand that this career can take me wherever I want, it can support this adventurous life that I see for myself. Right now, my self-esstem is just so busted that I think that England was a dream and that law school is a nightmare. I don’t know how I graduated from one in England! Its frustrating to know that at one point, i understood this. That I felt my brain making room to store all this information and now it’s shut down and won’t start up. I guess this is just my path. I had this lost feeling when I was in my first year in England and somehow managed to finish that.
Goal now is to just suck it up, finish these exams. Get that license up on the wall. Then start painting, and travelling. Somehow I wonder if I will get into painting again, but I’d like to think that no, I have to. I have to feel alive and support the weird adventurous life that exists in my head that I want because I can’t handle being in one place. I want to fly and keep flying. Is it weird to feel peaceful when I travel? I feel like even though I’m going somewhere, I feel like I’m going to find and meet myself? Till then, I guess I have to find myself out of this flog thats around me and find my way.
The other day, my aunt and I got into a conversation about the last arc of Sailor Moon. I’ve got my little cousins into watching Sailor Moon and as the series progresses, the themes get a bit more serious and I guess the romantic relationship between the 2 main characters could creep parents out, or my aunt is just super old fashion. Either way, the arc of Sailor Moon (that I know of in the anime/cartoon version) is the dreams one with Pegasus and Rini.
The final arc has to do with evil people looking for Pegasus who is hiding in *spoiler* Rini’s dreams. With some magical powers and whatnot. Although it can be kind of weird to watch the villains from the Dark Circus peer into the windows of people’s dreams, I tired to think of it as how people protect and foster their dreams.
We all dream. Dream of our desires, goals and what we are capable of accomplishing. But everyday these dreams come under attack from internal and external forces. Internal forces such as fear, lack of confidence or self-doubt in achieving these dreams. Fear of judgement, fear of failure, fears of self-doubt. Our internal dialogue can sometimes force us to leave our dreams in our minds rather than having them materialize. When you watch the episodes, the villains make a point to say that some of their dreams may be too minute to make a difference, whether it is gaining the respect of a colleague or becoming the best race car driver. However, no matter how small those dreams are, a sense of determination and perseverance is required to keep those dreams alive. External forces could be lack of support from your friends and family in aiming for your dreams. Some may argue that you don’t need others to achieve your goals, but I have found that when you have the support of your family, anything is achievable.
Although this important theme gets overshadowed with the relationship between Serena, Rini and Darien, it is still an important lesson to understand, especially for my young cousins. When your young, you do dream, and as you grow you encounter my situations and different types of people who may support your dreams and some who do not. This serves as a good positive base for promoting a sense of self-confidence that one should not compromise on their dreams. Each dream is unique to that person and to work towards them in a positive manner with the support of your friends and family is important. The show may be distracting in the romantic situations, the core theme of dreams is not lost. When someone stops dreams, I think, hope is lost. One shouldn’t lose hope, life becomes a bit too negative at that point. One should aspire to manifest wonderful dreams that fulfil them and create positivity around themselves.
So the theme for this week was mermaids
Mine was more inspired and could be wore to like a party
Emily’s look was more realistic and was pretty cool
What have I got myself into!? Doing my law degree the first time around was amusing enough but to do it again!? As I prepare for my accreditation exams, I have to re-study the core subjects like constitution and such. Believe me, the first time around is more than enough
As I try to understand what the words are forming, what their meaning is, I feel like my brain is at an all time shut down mode. This really shouldn’t be happening since I took a 2 month break from my school exams, before I cracked open the books for these exams. So I have relaxed enough for my brain to kick start its way.
What I don’t understand is, what happened to all that brain power that charged me through the last studying phases? Have I used up all my intelligence points? Or have I finally met my limit? Maybe this is why I couldn’t crack the LSAT. As depressing as that time was for me, I had believe in myself to say, no, maybe my brain just works differently than the standardized testing way. Perhaps I was fooling myself? Maybe I’m not cut out for this?
I often wonder that if I am to do this as my life-long gig, why don’t I get it?! or, shouldn’t I be good at this, even a little bit?! These thought don’t really help or guide the encouragement and support I get from my family. On one hand, I know that I’ve done this before, its just a different set of rules, on the other hand, my brain is shut down and doesn’t want to bother with it at all. While my peers have a direction in their life, I still have yet to decide whether I really want this or not. Whether I really want this lifestyle and whether I want to be a career-motivated person. Have I even been living the choices I wanted? I have made it very clear that this choice was not mine to make, but then again, I didn’t really have anything in my mind going for me. I was confused and wanted different things. Maybe I succumb to the influential people in my life? Perhaps that is my weakness, that I often look to the happiness of my beloved members than my own? I don’t know. Maybe my brain went on vacation. Maybe I’m processing everything but I just don’t understand it yet.
I’m a dory surrounded by sharks.